What's The Catch With Cassius?
Published: 20 August 2018
Cassius has mesmerised us with his preternaturally-perfect jawline and green fingers, but does the dramatic music that swells every time he stares angrily into the distance suggest he’s too good to be true? Our minds in overdrive, here are a few out-there secrets we think Neighbours’ new resident hottie might be hiding.
He’s another one of Paul’s long-lost sons
Cassius grew up with a single mum, but after much research discovered that Paul and his mother christened the back of a Cadillac Escalade roughly nine months before his birth. Paul hit the road shortly after, leaving mummy flying solo, and sonny on a mission to discover the identity of the father he’s never known. Makes total sense right? This is Paul we’re talking about.
He Took Out A Loan To Invest In Cryptocurrency, And Now The Banks Are After Him
Poor Cassius. He, too, joined the ranks of millennials who got burnt by the Bitcoin boom, after being coaxed by a group of over-zealous investors at a Melbourne pub. Despite having a few pineapples in his savings account, Cassius took out a HUGE same day, high-interest loan from a fast cash website, thinking he’d earn enough for the repayments and a three-week vacay to Bali within the first few months.
It’s been well over a year now; the market has fallen and he’s facing crippling debt. His solution? Escaping to Erinsborough in the hope that the big guys will never find him, those $1 Bintangs on the beach all but a broken dream.
He Is Secretly Tyler, Posing Under A New Guise
Tyler escaped from prison, Shawshank-style, bleached his luscious locks and got some cheap plastic surgery from someone absolutely no one recommended. He’s finally healed, and has hitchhiked his way to Erinsborough with his washboard abs and a new façade: Cassius, the God-like gardener.
He kisses Piper at every possible moment to stop himself spilling his deepest, darkest secret.
He’s Hiding Evil Finn In Gary’s Shed
Evil Finn fled Erinsborough – or so we thought! Cassius has in fact secretly been hiding him in Gary’s shed, under weeds and broken garden gnomes by day, and letting him out for air (and a couple of Dipi’s famous choc muffins) by night.
Why else would Cassius freak out when the wind threatened to blow Gary’s tin house down, if not because its despicable lodger would be exposed? It’s pure genius. Gary would never think to look for Finn in there.
He’s Trying To Promote His New Range Of Short-Shorts To The People Of Erinsborough
Cass has a plan: walk around shirtless promoting his fabulous range of short-shorts, which will seduce Ramsay Street’s residents into purchasing a pair in every available colour, thereby eventually making him Erinsborough’s new multi-millionaire. Move over, Paul, you’ve got some competition on your hands.
He’s Australia’s Next Bachelor
Cassius will be looking for love in the forthcoming new series Bachelor In Erinsborough. Followed around by hidden cameras as he attempts to woo Ramsay Street’s most eligible Bachelorettes, the gardening Adonis will bestow native plants grown by his very own hand, making Australia weep as he utters the immortal words: “Will you accept my bottlebrush?”